Not to be discouraging, but the older we get the more conscious we need to be about making and cultivating new relationships.  In elementary school through college, other people are built into our lives.  Undergraduates usually study and live together; and college personnel are provided to encourage a sense of community.  But in commuter schools, graduate school, or in a job we’re more on our own.  Your school or company may plan social events, but it is up to us to take advantage of the opportunities we have. 

          But the good news is that almost everybody is looking for friends.  It’s human nature.  Even couples need friends (it’s too easy to become insular without them.)  So here are some general and specific tips for how to meet and connect with others--some ways to make friends.

          First, you must be around people to meet people.  Second, you need to interact with them, in ways that are inviting and non-threatening.  And third, you need to take initiative in turning an acquaintance into a friend.  These points may seem obvious, but observing ourselves and others indicates that we don’t always know how to employ them.  How many of us sit in front of the TV, alone, feeling lonely?  How often do we go to social events only to look on from the outside?  And how awkward do we feel as we’re trying to extend an invitation of some sort?  Some people may need counseling to overcome shyness or to learn new social skills, but short of this, maybe the following suggestions can help.

          Probably the ideal way to meet others is in the living of our own lives as we enjoy our hobbies and passions.  But this requires making time for these (regardless of work demands) and knowing what they are.  Team sports of any level can be a great way to meet others, or group interests such as dancing, meditation, book clubs, religious activities, choirs, hiking, etc.--which are available in all areas.  Opportunities for volunteering are plentiful, and this way of meeting others connects us to people with similar values while being meaningful in itself.  In most cities there are rescue missions for the less fortunate, mentoring programs, environmental groups, AIDS service organizations, food delivery services, and many more.  And political causes always need “hands and feet.”  Although we might feel isolated, we don’t have to be alone--but we do need to exert some energy, and maybe courage, to meet new people.

          One often overlooked social opportunity is the amazing range of internationals in the U.S.  Becoming friends with someone from another culture can require flexibility (on both sides), but the chances to learn, help, and expand our awareness are endless.  Whether or not you were born in the U.S., immigrants are often eager to make friends with people familiar with this culture.  And colleges and larger companies appreciate help in making their international members feel welcomed and comfortable.

          Once we’ve gotten ourselves out there, and have decided to reach out to the people in our daily lives, how we do this is important.  Little things can make a real difference.  Smile; look into his or her eyes; even “stupid” small talk about the weather is a way simply to make a connection.  Having a candy bowl at your work area will always draw people over, providing a chance to talk.  Making cookies or desserts for your colleagues is both emotionally and physically (well, maybe not) nurturing, and this attracts others.  Just remembering birthdays and acknowledging special times (achievements, losses) lets others know you are thinking of them.  Not all ways of connecting have to be extroverted.

          More active approaches can also be simple, and maybe should be, at first.  Rather than a direct invitation, a casual suggestion (“Since we both like movies, maybe we should go together sometime”) can lower the risk level and give the other person an easy way to follow-up or let it go.  Less “serious” or lengthy events are better at first, too:  “coffee” versus lunch versus dinner.  Offering help usually finds a receptive audience.  At some point, everyone needs a ride, plants watered, something repaired, brawn for moving, assistance at work….  (Of  course, knowing others’ interests and needs requires listening, a key feature in making friends.)  If you’re an organizer, putting together a ski trip, hike, or just a night out is a service, as much as it is doing something for yourself.

          In interacting with others, there are some basics dos and don’ts.  Here are a few essentials:

       DON’T:      

monopolize the conversation—allow a mutuality; take pauses; ask about the other person.

try to impress—your attractive qualities will reveal themselves all on their own; it’s true.

be critical—share your opinion honestly, but with tenderness and discretion.

focus on yourself—wait a bit to be discovered, and spend time discovering the person you’re with.

overwhelm the person with attention—start slow; put out a little bait and see if you get any nibbles; some of the most beautiful fish are frightened by too much light.

       DO:

“kiss a lot of frogs”—this doesn’t only apply to dating; being too picky can make one exquisitely discriminating—and alone.

listen—this doesn’t mean just pausing till the speaker stops; make sure your comments relate to and acknowledge what you’ve just heard.

be other-minded—use your empathy; that is, understand and feel from the other person’s perspective, and let your responses show you’re doing this:  “That sounds like it was really difficult.”

share your vulnerabilities—not being perfect makes you more human, more accessible, and less threatening.

be complimentary—don’t overdo it, but when it’s genuine, share your appreciation of her or him.

          Once we’ve established a connection, how do we maintain and cultivate it?  By giving what we hope to receive.

While your interests may not be the same as your friend’s, think about what you want most from a friendship.  At the days’ end, human needs are essentially the same:  someone to be with; someone to trust; to depend on; to listen genuinely to us, caring about our feelings and perspectives; someone who’ll tell us the hard things without meaning to hurt; who’ll not let time or distance stop communication; who’ll tolerate and forgive our failings; and who’ll bring pleasure to our life by sharing the pleasures in theirs.  If you do your best to be these things for your friends, you will likely have many years together.  And through the hard time and the easy times the quality of your relationships will evolve and richen.

          The fact is, making friends is rather simple, but it takes intention, courage, creativity, and compassion--and these things take time.  However, the rewards clearly make it worth the effort.

Jon-Patrik Pedersen
Caltech Counseling Center